the B word

the spaceman wants to come see me in a show im in

i asked him what i shouldintroduce him as

"your boyfriend ofcourse!" he beamed "its what ive told people you are!"

i blushed, its nice when someone suggests it first :)

i don't claim to be perfect, i know i'm damaged goods..

i dont know how it happened, i honestly dont, its madness but i shall start from the begining

i met the spaceman 2 weeks ago and we instantly became great friends, laughing and joking, a week later i find out he likes me, like really likes me! and i know i should be thrilled but an alarm bell rings in my head

see, not to go into too much detail, years ago i was told by a doctor that my mental heath was like a ticking time bomb and chances are one day, i will go crazy.

This revelation has played on my mind from that day to this, how can i drag someone else into this?

The spaceman and i lay on the sofa bed, and i find myself admitting this fear to him, just like it was nothing, inside i braced myself for the "Oh is that the time, im gonna go...." speech i'd heard before, but he didn't, he looked me in the eye and said "i like you, if it happens, i ain't gonna run".....

"what did you expect him to say!" the greek said to me bemused by my reaction

"i dont know" i lamented, "i guess im used to guys being jerks!"

"i still cant believe you told him!" she sighed "the doctor said it was a 50/50 thing!"

"********!" i said defensively "imagine you were sold a second hand car, wouldnt you wanna know if the steering wheel stuck!"

"yes matt, but your not a car!" she rolled her eyes "so, how did the rest of the evening go"

after i had made my revelation the spaceman totally of his own free will opened up about recent events, his dad had died tragically, and he hadnt allowed himself time to grieve, but he admitted being with me was the first thing to make him happy, truly happy, for months.

"dude, marry him now! if you dont i will!" the greek beamed

"hun, we are taking it slow" i smiled, genuinely, for the first time in a long time, my eyes crinkling, "but lets just say, hes deffinatley a keeper!"

so alone......

greg and fiona had been together for 7 months, but only been in love the first two

"only in love for two months! why did they stay together?" i asked exsasperated

"the same reason all couples stay together after the love has gone" the greek sighed "they are scared to be alone"

"pfft" i scoffed "they are just 18!"

"fear of being alone is universal" the greek retorted

pausing i realised she was right, from a very young age most of us are raised with the idea that company= good, solitude = bad (lets face it, in war movies, prisoners weren't sent to social confinement!)

to me theres two types of alone, neither are nice but both sprung to mind recently

the first and saddest imo is forced solitude, this means you had your soul mate, you lived with them for years, then due to the tragedy of death they were taken away, this to me is sadder because you knew company, and the joys of such and suddenly you must adjust to life alone

my nan was brilliant at that, she now thrives alone, though occassionally we do get the old lady wobble "im 85, i could be dead any day now, and you'll all miss me!" (to which we respond, "nan your fit as a horse, your mother lived to see her hundredth, you have time!")

the other is solitude by choice, either you chose not to pair up, or you chose to take a break from the pairing pool, to work on yourself before jumping back in. this one, though not as finite as the first, has its own fears attached, what if you wait too long? what if the adjustments dont work? what if that cute guy at the coffee shop meets someone while you're at night school learning to speak french!? sacre bleu!

my personal fear of being alone stems back to the stories you read in the papers, about people dying alone, the elderly left undiscovered for days/weeks/months/years until a neighbour notices a funny smell etc

there are times i worry that person will be me, that i will be found, skeletal, surrounded by rather happy fat cats

"thats ridiculous!" the greek scoffs "one, you hate cats and two, you and i both know we will be in the old folks home together singing ice cream truck, pinching the male nurses bums!"

fear of loneliness, it keeps us in relationships that should have ended months ago, keeps us with people who put us down/hurt us, the one thing i urge you all out there to ask is, "is better than being alone?" if yes, then enjoy the relationship, if not then GET OUT NOW!